New Caller Caveat

Because I'm on the rag and being a complete bitch and not in an entirely fun way at all, I'm going to offer you, the caller, some HANDY advise when calling and thinking you are about to go medieval bitchass on me because you're a dumbfuck who did something wrong and blames it on us.


YOU DO NOT KNOW WHO WE REALLY ARE ON THE OTHER END. HOWEVER, WE KNOW WHERE THE FUCK YOU LIVE, YOUR EMAIL, YOUR PHONE NUMBER AND ANY OTHER INFORMATION YOU GIVE TO US.


   So my dear friends, consider this a nice reminder.

WE. KNOW. WHERE. YOU. LIVE.

Seriously? Do you think I SHIVER and cry when I'm told "I will call your boss and get you fired!"  First off - we're an outsourced company. So go ahead. call the CEO of the company we answer calls for. HE'S NOT MY BOSS!
Second, for security reasons, we don't even tell you where the hell we're really located.
Third? My real boss thinks you're a troll in real life and SO wanted to take that supervised call yesterday when you decided to go infantile on me but you know what?  You hung up so apparently 
it wasn't that important.
So we'll just let you go ahead and return that package you don't want and oh right. You're responsible for the return shipping either way and no, we will not reimburse the shipping OR taxes because legally, we are unable to do so. Especially when it is NOT a customer service error, but you thinking that you can go in and 'zero' out a cart on an order for an automatic shipment.

Now a convo with me and Cole (another co-worker) in regard to this call.

Me: You think these people would be smarter especially since we know where they live.
Cole: Haha right? Don't worry; I want to go burn their houses down, too.
Me: Oh, no. I don't want to burn the houses down. I just want to hit this one in the face.
Cole: Right.
Me: ...with a billy club.
Cole: *dies*