Yep. You guessed it. This is an ode to the dumb bitch in Canada that really couldn't fucking understand English even though she was speaking it better that most people in the United States.
Sure, that's not too fucking hard to imagine but whatever. Go with it. I'm the optimist with people in our own goddamn country mastering the English language by the end of the world.
On a side note, I fucking LOVE Canadians. The ones I personally know are kick ass individuals and this no way reflects my opinion of our friends to the north.
This call was beautiful.
Ready? AND GO!
Me: It's a hap-hap-happy day a la Gabby and Friends! What the fuck do you want?
--personally, I like this greeting. I think it really brings the element of derange to the conversation--
Her: Hi, Eh.
Me: .....
Her: My name is Ciarra and my ID number is 666.
--Sorry satan, you keep getting thrown into this bullshit. You'll kick my ass later in Hell, I'm sure--
Me: Right. So let's verify your account, shall we?
Ciarra: Eh, yeah eh. Spose we should, eh? My address is 1 degree below zero, fucking canadiastan, bunchalettersandnumberszipcode.
Me: Whhhhyyyyyyyyyyyyyy thank you. Now what can I do for you?
Ciarra: Well, ya see, eh, what I'm calling about is my tracking number for my last order, eh. Ya see. I paid for the 3-7 ground shipping and eh, that was the 1st. It's now the 13th, ya see what I mean eh?
--I'm not even fucking joking, guys. I even parsed down the 'eh' shit for you to stomach, it was way worse in real life--
Me: Why yes, I do see that the order shipped on the 1st of the month. *in head wake up wake up it's the first of the month... BOEN THUGZ* Just give me a moment and I'll track it for you.
Ciarra: Thank you. It isn't showing up in my tracking, ya see.
Me: What tracking are you using?
Ciarra: the post and fedex.
Me: The ten digit tracking number?
Ciarra: EHhhhhh yes.
Me: ...your tracking numbers up there aren't 10.
Ciarra: OH.
Me: I see that it's currently in Richmond, Manitoba. It's being sorted as of today at the local postal facility.
Ciarra: Who is it coming through?
Me: ..whoever delivered your last one, I'd imagine.
Ciarra: That's the thing, eh. The last time I ordered it arrived in the 3-7 day frame.
Me: I see. *fart, mute drink, wink at cute guy (not really)* OH well I do see what happened. It appears your package was unfortunately the victim of being held in customs for 7 days.
Ciarra: Well that's not ever happened before. I pay a lot for shipping, ya see.
Me: *blinks, the bitch who called me before you is in the US and paid $10.95 shipping to your $9.95. DA FUQ third world country do you live in to think 10 is less than 9!? Oh. wait. Right.* Well, you see, when you purchase an order and have shipping, we can only state the average delivery. We can not guarantee what any postal delivery would be because you never know when a monsoon will come in and knock your fucking house to the ground and blow your precious shit you ordered will blow into Vancouver instead of Ontario. I'd like to say we fucking control every-goddamn-post-delivery-on-earth but unfortunately, I relinquished my Goddess rights in a bad hand of poker in Vegas and am now a mere mortal.
Ciarra: Well this is bad practice and if it happens again, I'm going to cancel because this is stupid.
Me: YER STOOPID.
Ciarra: What?
Me: When someone ORDERS a product and lives in another country, we do not guarantee a delivery because CUSTOMS may detain it as a random investigation. That is NOT included in our shipping time.
Ciarra: It should.
Me: ..
--YES. I WILL FUCKING CONTROL CUSTOMS AND MAKE SURE THAT THEY ARE MY BITCH FROM NOW ON SO THAT YOUR PUNK ASS FAT SELF CAN GET YOUR GOODS TO MAKE YOU LOSE WEIGHT--
Well, it shipped from us on the 1st and it arrived to Customs within 1 day. THAT is as far as OUR guarantee goes.
Ciarra: Are you for real?
Me: *toying with pink, blue and yellow highlighters making a pretty pretty rainbow of drawings on my ubercool notepad* I am.
Ciarra: Well, when will it arrive?
Me: It's in Manitoba. Right now I'd guess whenever because fuck you I just learned where all the states are located on the US map and I can't be half-assed to learn Canuckistan, too. In fact, I think I'm pretty goddamn good at finding the bathroom at work, so fuck if I'm going to learn your goddamn region too. Fuck, we ship to France. Let me learn French now too and all the rural routes there! Yay!
Ciarra: OK. If this happens again, I'm cancelling.
Me: PLEASE DO! Er. Is there anything else you want?
Ciarra: No, that'll be all.
Me: FUCK YEAH!
Ciarra: Thank you.
Me: PENIS!
And that's this misadventure in customer dis-service. Remember to tip your CSR agent accordingly.
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