For those not familiar with the whole idea of an escalated call, lemme throw in the 411 before beginning with the most delicious tidbit of a call I could ever be cursed to get.
Escalation (pronounced Fuck this shit, let a supervisor deal with their bitch ass attitude now) is what happens when you pretty much wreck the day of a minimum-wage paid call representative who is misinformed by the company's statement of "You're the top tier, our front line. Our soldiers."
In other words, we're the ones taking it up the asses in the relationship with the company.
They inflate the whole 'reverse tier' priority level to make you feel good to go out and deal with the good, the bad and the if-I-knew-where-they-lived-I'd-be-on-trial-for-homicide. So, you've just wrecked the whole fucking day for Mary O'Dea. You've got her so frustrated and upset, she went home that night and taught her dog to lick your butt and sniff your face. AND OOH!
When you got done wrecking her day, you tried that same infantile shit on her supervisor. Who either put your punk ass self in your place by defending poor, defenseless Mary or let you get your goddamn fucking way like you're Justin Bieber.
Now, let's begin this little story. I really had fun with this call today. In fact, I had to hold back the urge to put her in her place and call her every fucking name in the book to get her ass to chill the fuck out that I was pretty goddamn confused.
I'm not posting my script. That would give away the best job in the world! Instead, you get my 'whatever the fuck I feel like typing for a script' script. Haha. Fuck you. :)
Me: Hi, we'd like to thank you for your call today, as it is very important to us. My name is Yoko and may I have your name, please?
Woman: Debbie Jones.
--OH shit. That's her real name. Fuck I better change it...nah. Too lazy. I forget her last name anyway so who gives two shits, right??--
Me: Thank you, Debbie. In order for me to access your account, may I please have your user name?
--gagggagggagggg sugar and spice and everything nice, that's what neurotic bitches pretend to be made of--
Debbie: A21459856.
Me: Thank you. I would like to verify that this is the correct information we have on file, would you
please state your billing address as well as the last four on your credit card for me, please?
Debbie: 1234 Not Fucking Amused Way, Notfuckingamusedistan, Angristonia, 66666. The last four
are 1234.
Me: Thank you so much! Now, please tell me how I might assist you?
Debbie: I was on a call with Corporate today. Blah blah blah how much better than YOU I am and I expect to get my way because I'm namedropping more than Taylor Swift has had boyfriends this year alone.
Me: *yawn eyeroll yahuh whatever blah blah blah reading through notes and not seeing any of this shit annotated so I'm smelling the horrific aroma of bullshit from 2600 miles away* All right, I do see
that you had called the other day. This is in regard to a customer with the username I-dont-fucking-remember?
Debbie: Yes, that is correct. NOW. I want to know if their order went through right. Can you at least tell me that?
Me: Of course. *noting address in head and wondering if I'd get busted for looking up driving directions to her house on google maps* AH yes, I do see that her order for 1 gallon of dogshit did go through correctly. IS there something else I can help you with, Debbie?
Debbie: YES. I need to change person's password.
Me: *eyes her account as Premium. eyes persons account as premium. In head knowing two premiums can NOT change anyone's password, only owner of the account* OK to verify I'm on the correct account, may I have their address and last four of their credit card, please?
Debbie: 4523 fuckingreallyangrynow, Chokeabitchmad, Fuckyugastopia, 000000. Last four 5433.
Me: I'm sorry, the last four is not the number we have on file--
Debbie: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT IS NOT THE FOUR ON FILE THAT IS WHAT I JUST GAVE YOU AND WHAT SHE USED TO ENROLL WITH.
Me: I'm sorry, I'm only reading what's before me.
Debbie: ...is this the correct account?????
Me: ...you verified the address properly.
Debbie: Well this is goddamn great. I JUST SPENT ALL MORNING ON THE PHONE WITH CORPORATE AND I DEMAND TO BE PUT BACK THROUGH ON JIMBOB MILLIONAIRE CEO'S PRIVATE LINE NOW HE IS ON MY FACEBOOK AND I AM NOT AMUSED. PUT ME THROUGH NOW.
Me: *getting horny just thinking how to piss her off* I'm sorry, we do not have access to the corporate phone numbers at this location.
Debbie: *morphing into satan (sorry satan)* THEN PUT ME THROUGH TO SOMEONE WHO CAN.
Me: *in head, it's may, not can, but whatever. Let me think of how to crap on your name-dropping parade some more because you're keeping me from my lunch and fuck. I'm hungry. If you're going to make me starve myself, then I'm going to make you contemplate murdering me* I'm sorry, Debbie. Even if I were to escalate this call to my supervisor, they would not even have the ability themselves to put you through to the CEO's private line.
Debbie: I'M HIGH UP IN THE COMPANY I WILL GET YOUR NAME AND YOU WILL GET FIRED FOR NOT LISTENING TO ME OR DOING AS I SAY.
Me: Let me put you on a brief hold so that I can look into what the best course of action is for you, please?
Debbie: ...FINE.
Me: *hold*
--This is where I Fucked around with the stuffed animals on my desk, drew a few hearts with the name of the guy I like on my notepad. toyed with the my little pony on my desk. Re-arranged the papers and cheat sheets on my desk. Stretched, took a drink of the juice beside me and fixed a wicked hangnail. THEN I waved a supervisor over and discussed your bitchy ass self. She told me to stand my ground, nobody can forward her ass to the CEO*
Me: Hi, Debbie, are you still there?
Debbie: YES. (Inside I died a little)
Me: Unfortunately, there is no way at this establishment to transfer you through--
Debbie: THEY TRANSFERRED ME THIS MORNING.
Me: I do apologize, the call center that you contacted this morning was AT the corporate one. (Translation, they fuck up more shit than they'll ever admit to fucking up)
Debbie: Put me through to THEM. I want to speak to Marissa. I SPOKE TO HER THIS MORNING.
Me: I'm sorry, Marissa is not available.
Debbie: MAKE HER AVAILABLE.
Me: *inside - bitch I'll make me a sandwich before I make a supervisor available who punched out an hour ago* I'm sorry she is unable to take any calls at this time.
Debbie: I WANT TO CHANGE HER PASSWORD.
Me: Accounts on the same level can not unless it is the owner. I'm sorry; those are the exact rules handed down by the holiest of holy at home office. Ohmmmmmmmmmm.
Debbie: WELL SHE WORKS 16 HOURS A DAY AND CAN NOT CALL IN TO CHANGE HER INFORMATION AND I'M SO CLOSE TO MY 20,000 AND I'M NOT ABOUT TO LET YOU CAUSE ME TO LOSE IT.
Me: I'm sorry; the rules are for anyone. Even those who would have been enrolled by Jimbob CEO himself.
Debbie: SO YOU'RE GOING TO LET ME POSSIBLY LOSE THIS CLIENT AND MY 20,000$ BONUS BECAUSE OF A TECHNICALITY?
Me: I'm sorry. When this applies to personal information such as credit cards or access to change an account, the owner is the only one who MAY make the changes. It's for their security.
Debbie: I WANT TO CHANGE THE PASSWORD.
Me: Unless you can provide the last four of the card TO verify the account, I can not make any changes. What if this is not the correct account and we change it? Then someone else calls in equally angry because I went messing with their account as it wasn't verified and I get fired.
Debbie: SO WHAT YOU'RE SAYING IS AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I WANT TO KILL YOU SO IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT THE FUCK RAINBOW SHITCOCKERY I PLACE HERE BECAUSE I'M SO FULL OF THE HATE RIGHT NOW AT YOU FOR FOLLOWING YOUR COMPANY PROCEDURES THAT NOW I'M ACTING LIKE BIEBER CANCELLING A CONCERT BECAUSE NOT EVERYTHING WAS SOLD OUT.
Me: I'm sorry. I do understand your frustration. *inside HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Not.*
Debbie: I. WANT. YOU. TO TAKE. NOTES. POST ON ALL. ACCOUNTS. ALL. TICKETS FOR PROBLEMS. I WANT. EMAILS SENT TO THE CEO. I WANT. YOU TO. READ BACK. NOTE.
TO ME.
Me: I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to read the annotations to people as they are only to familiarize other reps with any situations going on. I have included the reason for your call, as well as the trouble you've had in authorizing her account and not wanting to follow the CEO's rules for equal accounts.
Debbie: GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH-- voice in background telling her to calm down it's not the rep's fault- I'M SORRY I'M SO ANGRY AT YOU I DO NOT MEAN TO TAKE IT OUT ON YOU.
Me: *filing nails and staring at hot guy across the desk at me* Hm? OH no. I'm OK. I'm sorry there isn't anything I can do for YOU. I have taken notes and I left the confirmation number with Marissa so as soon as she does become available she can handle the problems you've been having.
Debbie: THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH.
Me: *squirming in the chair OH look, I have strawberry tictacs! YUMMY!* Is there anything else I can handle for you today?
Debbie: NO THAT IS EVERYTHING. JUST GET THOSE NOTES POSTED AND I WILL SEE WHAT I CAN DO ON MY END. THANK YOU FOR YOUR HELP.
Me: Thank you for your call, I'm sorry I couldn't help. Have a good day.
Debbie: Yeah. *Click*
Me: *finishes note, grabs bag and logs off the system, punches out* YAY SQUIRREL!
Poor Debbie. She couldn't get her way and the whole name dropping bullshit got really, really lame. Kind of like her life, probably. Unfortunately, she didn't phase me and in fact, I feel she's made a suiting victim #1 to the dis-customer service journal. Just so you know, real or not, namedropping isn't going to get you the free ride to 'dowhateverthefuckIwantistan' Still gotta pay the toll and follow the laws of the land.
Until next time, agents. Let's tear this shit up like it's 1999.
<3
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