I know, you probably thought I dropped off the face of the earth or exploded from the sheer amount of stupid I've had to ingest over the last few days.
You wish.
Let me introduce you to the oh-so-short and dumbness I'd like to call Jenn. Jenn, apparently, feels that she is 'above' contractual agreements that were set up buy our marvelous (and costly!) legal team which she, herself, admits she signed without reading.
Yep. For all she knows, she just signed her soul to Satan (Dude, again, sorry, she's a real bitch, I'm pretty sure YOU don't want her either) or agreed to be the first experiment in a brand new strain of bubonic plague. OR agreed to be euthanized on behalf of some murderer on death row.
Yeah.
She went to a party a few weeks ago. Tra la la lots of lolz hooray OK I'll sign this giggle giggle.
Person at party (wanting to profit, GEE I WONDER WHY) didn't bother to explain what signing the papers mean. That's fine. We prefer they DO, but I mean fuck. There's one small paragraph you read of maybe 10 lines and then you sign the paper. I'd be more scared shitless of clicking "OK" on a four page apple iphone update than 10 fucking lines.
So, she doesn't read it and blindly signs it. Party Patty signs her up for our required 4 month agreement. Patty has assumed Jenn has read the legal agreement and agrees to the terms. GEE. I WONDER WHY.
SO month 1 goes by and Jenn is all ^.^ YAY! as she got her product.
Month 2 goes by and Jenn is suddenly all "OH PRAISE THEE MIGHTY PRODUCT OF DOG SHIT, HOW I ADORE THEE... DAFUQ? ANOTHER PACKAGE?!" RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGEEEEEEEEEE.
..So she calls our wonderful CSR's to ... I dunno. Threaten? HAHA.
Me: Hi, I would bitchslap you if I knew you. What do you want?
Jenn: I WANT TO TALK TO A SUPERVISOR.
Me:All right, before I can do that, I need an account to reference.
Jenn: 666666666663454546w34534534 aaarrrg! GIMME SUPERVISOR.
Me: Just a moment. to verify this is correct, I need your address and the last 4 of your credit card.
Jenn: blalhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.aaarrrgggggggggggggg smashhhhhhhhhh.
Me: What seems to be the problem? *shaking hawaiian punch, yawning, oogling hot guy walking by*
Jenn: I gots a one time order to trys the product. (I'm serious. She pluraled every..fucking..word she could)
Me: I'm sorry?
Jenn: No I likes. I just only wants one.
Me: I do apologize, when you signed up for the order, the paper you filled out and signed with your signature?
Jenn: whats about it? I wants my money.
Me: -pistol in mouthsssssss because apparently I have two now-
Jenn: Yeah I signed it.
Me: Did you... read..... what you signed?
Jenn: Da order form? Of course. I hads to fill it out.
Me: When you got to the paragraph above where you signed... did you read the 10 lines?
Jenn: (I had to use mute after this, because of that internet meme shit of the black woman) Ain't nobody got time for dat shit.
Me: *dying*Well, had you read the paragraph, it would have told you that by signing below you agree to the terms and conditions applied that in order to receive our dog shit at the wholesale price instead of retail, you would agree to 4 monthly shipments that are required before you could cancel and just place one-time orders.
Jenn: ...whatchoo mean?
Me: Did you sign the paper?
Jenn: ... yes. Why? She say I needs it for the order.
Me: Yes, that is correct, however... the order locked you into a 4 month agreement.
Jenn: Dat paper ain't say nothin like dat.
Me: ...*keels over and dies* Did you... get a copy?
Jenn: Yes.
Me: Have it on you?
Jenn: Right now and it don't say nothin about...
Me: ..are you still there?
Jenn:WHY DO IT SAY DIS SHIT ABOUT 4 MONTHS NOW? DIDN'T SAY THAT BEFORE!
Me: I'm *jazz hands* MAGIC.
Jenn: HOW YOU MAKE DIS APPEAR?!
Me: ... it was there all along?
-at this point, I'm IMing one of the leads in our department and he actually walks over to listen to me talk and he's almost in stitches laughing because I put the volume all the way up on 10 and he could hear her. He's shaking his head and actually has laughter tears in his eyes*
Jenn: OH NO IT WASN'T. DIS ISN'T THE PAPER I SIGN.
Me: Is the order information on it correct? The shipping, billing addresses? Your card information? Date of birth, contact phone number?
Jenn: Yes.
Me: Is it your signature?
Jenn: yes.
Me: ...then you entered blindly into an agreement, is my guess. While we ask our distributors to mention the obligation, it isn't required and it's assumed that when a person places an order they actually read into the agreement prior to signing on the line because for all you know, you just signed a deal to sell us your first born child.
Jenn: Dat ain't funny.
Me: ...it was an example. That if you sign something you don't read, you never know what you're agreeing to do or buy or sell.
Jenn:...
-meanwhile, lead has pat my back and walked away, hopefully going to get me alcohol to cope with the after glow of this wonderfully dumb personality. too bad he never returned.bastard.-
Jenn: sssooo whatchoo sayin is thats I agreed to dis even though I didn't?
Me: *drawing stars on paper*That's correct. By signing your name you blindly agreed.
Jenn: So fix it.
Me: As much as I would love to, I feel like pissing you off so I'm going to remind you that it *is* a legally binding agreement and no matter how much caterwauling you do, I can't just magically break the agreement you signed otherwise chaos will ensue. You'll get your way, someone else you know will sign now knowing and try to pull this same stunt. the world will thusly explode and we'll see Jim Parsons in drag as Frank N Furter.
-To be honest, I didn't find that out till I got home which because one of my friends knows him is pretty fucking dope and to be honest, he did a kick-ass job in the shadows of Tim Curry's 1970's Frankie.-
Jenn: I want out.
Me: I'm sorry, even if I did forward this call to a supervisor, they would just remind you of the agreement you have just told me you -did- sign over the phone.
Jenn: THEN I'LL SAY I NEVER DID IT.
Me: When you called in, did you get a message while on hold?
Jenn: Yeah.
Me: Did it say... "for quality assurance this call will be monitored"
Jenn: Nobody does dat.
Me: Actually, we DO record every call for quality assurance. Plus in a case of a dispute, we can pull the actual call up and review it when there is a dispute. So to be clear, you said earlier you signed it and now you're going to say you never did?
Jenn: Ain't bein recorded. Nothing shit is being recorded.
Me: Unfortunately for you, we *do* record every call.
Jenn: GET ME SUPERVISOR.
-at this point, former boxer Bill who is a kick ASS supervisor walks over and sees me in stitches laughing. I tell him this is likely a supervisor call escalation and Bill gets excited. So I send him the ID number and he takes the call at the seat right next to me for amusement assurance-
Bill: This is Bill O'maigosh, a member of the supervisor escalation team. I hear that you wish to dispute the customer agreement you signed?
ME:KILL BILL KILL BILL!
Bill: *stabs me* Ah yeah mmhmm. Well if you wish to say you didn't sign it, we can just review this call initiated by you and check for discrepancy if you wish.
Me: *pee* -no really, I went to the bathroom and returned to him still on the line with her-
Bill: Yeah, well. I have quality assurance actually listening to the call as we go right now and apparently you -did- say you signed it and threatened our CSR by saying you'd lie. You do realize that if you wish to cancel, you can pay a membership... ok fine. You don't wish to pay that. Then I'm going to say that you have to complete 2 more shipments before you may cancel.
Me: EEEEEE!! KILL BILLLLLLL.
Bill: Apparently, Jenn, you did admit you did not read the paper you signed and told our agent you would lie. IF you wish to contact a lawyer that is your call, the same with the BBB. I will just say that if you do decide to go that route, this conversation will be sent not only to your lawyer, but our legal team and the BBB as well. You might say that it's under duress that you admitted to initially signing the paper, but this conversation and the fact you stated quite clearly that you would LIE to us will likely be devastating in court. AND if you did lose, you would not only be responsible for the court costs, but also the regular agreement that you signed.
Me:Giggitygiggity.
Bill: Oh, well, I see. Then I do apologize, as you do not wish to pay a membership fee in lieu of the shipments, I can not cancel the automatic shipment until you complete the agreement....
Me: EEEEEEEE!!!
Bill: *looks at me* She said she wasn't going to cancel. OR pay. And she hung up after screaming she was calling BBB and the lawyer. I see this going. Nowhere.
Me: She got boring.
Bill: Yeah, she did. She lost steam by the time I got to her. Pity.
Me: DUDE SHE WAS ABOUT TO GO EXORCIST ON ME. I ALMOST PISSED MYSELF LAUGHING.
Bill: Better get that looked at.
Me: I KNOW RIGHT?
So, kids. when you decide to sign something you don't want to read, don't get pissed off at me for your idiocy.
READ. EVERYTHING.
Because damnit, that ferrari you promised to buy me after signing the contract sounded so nice and now i'm pissed that i'm not getting what you legally agreed to get me.
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